ATTERCOP


Closing a Book

"Come gather ’round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’
Or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’."

-B. Dylan

I’m not going to write the blog about gay news. I can’t handle it. The more I read news about gay issues the more depressed I feel.  My kind is so fickle and tiresome. If It’s legal for me to get married when I’m ready for it,  then I will, if it’s not, then I won’t.

The argument that the other side has about how gay men are so carelessly promiscuous that they wouldn’t know what to do with marriage even if they had it is honestly a pretty reasonable stance. Not that it hold water according to the law of course, nor is it reason enough to withhold the rights.

Still, I have a hard time disagreeing.I’ve realized something about myself. It’s weird and strange, but I hope this feeling stays: it’s more important for my life to have a family than a romantic relationship. I mean, I’ll always want significant, loving male companionship, but I realize when I think about being older all I imagine is myself making art and being a father. Not that I’m about to run out and adopt me some kids, I can hardly take care of myself, much less children. But, in the future, that’s the plan. (Projected ETA for Pseudo-Spawn: Approx. 30 years old.)

Geeze, all  this talk of the importance of family, I guess I am a Jarrett after all.

I’m almost done with Physical Journal #5. It’s exciting, my ex, David, bought it for me on Halloween last year. He’s gone but the volume remains. Good trade off.

journal

When taking this picture I noticed that it smelled like age and knowledge and bookishness and fall leaves and love. This has made me happier than anything else.

I think it’s the best journal I’ve ever owned. It’s certainly see some of the most difficult  moments in my life.

Other notes about the photo: hooray for library and big headphones.



need
June 29, 2009, 1:28 am
Filed under: Blogging, Mysteries | Tags: , , , , , ,

 

HNI_0011 HNI_0012 HNI_0013 HNI_0014

HNI_0015

When I paint I stop wondering who I am or who I think I need to be.

 

And Nicholas, if you still read this blog, I saw someone at wal-mart today while I was buying the board this is painted on who looked like you. I hope you’re well and happy.

 

-joshua



Dreamed Cleaned
April 30, 2009, 9:45 pm
Filed under: Mysteries | Tags: , , , ,

Will soft look upon a glowing square.
My face.
I do similar, an electric mist passes and glows.
I alone perceive radiance.
The boy is in the syrupy dark.
A flower growing midway through the sidewalk.
Green tipped with yellow.
Made of stronger stuff than stars.

His Hands were My Hands (in the glowing square.)
But My designs are not His desighns.

Fall into me! My soul is vast.
And I am still an ocean of contradictions.
My life, My stability,
Surf high on waves of contradiction.

I’m tired of metaphor.
I think I’ll just lay down.
and Will myself to dream the same dream again.

(written by me. April 29th, 2008)



Uncanny Recount (?!)

Oh man. I really gotta try to keep up dudes…

So, school year’s runnin’ down and I’m BUSY BUSY BUSY. But with good things! Promise!

I’m currently flirting with a particular college here in Georgia. It likes me, I like it and hey, I know this particular university lives a little far away but I’m willing to travel if you know what I mean…

And what I mean is that I’m am literally willing to travel. To this college.

It’s hard really. To keep a blog and a journal. Because I have a journal. A real journal, with paper and ink and a book mark built into it.

Good advice I think... on the cover there.

Good advice I think... on the cover there.

Built in bookmark FTW

Built in bookmark FTW

Sometimes blogging feel so ephemeral. Like, by writing something down in a book it really is saved forever. A real autobiography. I mean, over the course of my years I’ve filled up a good many journals.

from December 25, 2002 to April 23, 2009

from December 25, 2002 to April 23, 2009

My first journal entry ever was written in what I considered very fancy Middle Earth talk (which in my twelve year old mind meant using the words “recount” and “uncanny” a lot) about how awesome Metroid Fusion is.

My recent one was a very vague mentioning about my car wreck and my desire to do a triptych featuring kissing and lines from Romeo & Juliet. How not as exciting.

But, reading through my old journals from sixteen to seventeen to eighteen I realizee I was a very romantic boy, very disinterested in sex and very lonely. I saw the whole of gay society as being dominated by meaningless sex and superficial materialistic values. Which, it pretty much is, but now I know that there are a few others out there like me. Men who want what throbs in the ribs rather than what throbs in the pants, who want forehead kisses more than blow jobs. Men who don’t see the world and as a giant bus station who’s job  it is to transport pleasure to them.

Still, there are few.  But I’m proud to have self control and mastery over my desires. I value serenity and hard work over immediate, flimsy pleasure and empty materialism.  I think I’m far more Buddist than I’ll ever be willing to admit.

That’s probably something that needs to get recorded into my real journal.

It’s funny. I sort of have this idea that in the future people will find my journals and try to put together who I was. Or maybe I’ll go through them and use them to write a memoir. Augustan Burroughs style.

Oh well, in Art News (which I know is pretty much all you people actually care about reading about) I’m working on a series of paintings/mixed media projects interpreting Leaves of Grass through mythical symbols or something like that. You’ve already seen one of these paintings. However not in its completed state.

More to come.

-Joshua

P.S. Hi everyone who’s come over from Letnaturebe! Rather surprised you’ve migrated (of course not really migrated, I couldn’t stop reading LNB if I wanted to!) but I’m glad you’re here! 🙂



Fable Dream
January 21, 2009, 7:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

Last night I had a dream I was inside of Fable 2. Like, in Albion trying to live my life.

So, lots of fun, wearing three cornered hats killing bandits and hobs. Wonderful.

I owned a home, behind the Demon Door in Oakfeild. I had a big ol’ hammer and a serious blunderbuss (when it come to killing things I really don’t like pulling punches) and Phil. I know at least one of my readers will remember Phil, my husband whom i situated first in my buggy in the gypsy village and then in the home behind the demon door, Serenity Farm.

Well, in the dream I was married to Phil. And, just like the game he was slightly effeminate and completely prudish. Which, when you’re married and rarely see each other is rather putting off.

So, one day I’m out adventuring and such and I go down into what appears to be a well but then is like this platform suspended over this HUGE empty underground cavern. Whatever.

I bash a few Hollow Men and come across a bandit. He’s a alone. And I, being generous, decide to slay him on the spot. Approach with my dagger (because, my dream is far more realistic, meaning one doesn’t use one’s hammer for everything) intending to cut his throat and I’m standing silently before him, unarmed and disrobed from the waist up. He had a slightly muscular build with a little fat on him. A round face with shortish red hair and patchy facial hair, he couldn’t have been a year older than me. And bright blue eyes and freckles.

It’s funny what sensations your brain can reproduce once you’ve already experienced them. Like kissing.

I drop the knife and we let our selves go. And it isn’t dirty or animalistic. It’s quick and a little rough, but tender. We slow down and sort of sway and we talked and he wasn’t a bandit.

And then, in sick connection with real life, I felt in my dream that feeling I got when I was talking seriously with several people at once on Unnamed Dating Site.

Ugh. Ouch.

So my dream just served to re illustrate two things for me.

1.) Red heads are hot as heck.

2.) Don’t start things you can’t finish.

This is part of why I’m taking a break from dating site stuff. I need time to emotionally recoup and get things together. And if I do decide to go back (I’m honestly quite up in the air about it at this point) NO LONG DISTANT RELATIONSHIPS.

I mean, wow, ouch. Those are so bad for you.

Anyway, have a grood day.

joshua