ATTERCOP


Closing a Book

"Come gather ’round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’
Or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’."

-B. Dylan

I’m not going to write the blog about gay news. I can’t handle it. The more I read news about gay issues the more depressed I feel.  My kind is so fickle and tiresome. If It’s legal for me to get married when I’m ready for it,  then I will, if it’s not, then I won’t.

The argument that the other side has about how gay men are so carelessly promiscuous that they wouldn’t know what to do with marriage even if they had it is honestly a pretty reasonable stance. Not that it hold water according to the law of course, nor is it reason enough to withhold the rights.

Still, I have a hard time disagreeing.I’ve realized something about myself. It’s weird and strange, but I hope this feeling stays: it’s more important for my life to have a family than a romantic relationship. I mean, I’ll always want significant, loving male companionship, but I realize when I think about being older all I imagine is myself making art and being a father. Not that I’m about to run out and adopt me some kids, I can hardly take care of myself, much less children. But, in the future, that’s the plan. (Projected ETA for Pseudo-Spawn: Approx. 30 years old.)

Geeze, all  this talk of the importance of family, I guess I am a Jarrett after all.

I’m almost done with Physical Journal #5. It’s exciting, my ex, David, bought it for me on Halloween last year. He’s gone but the volume remains. Good trade off.

journal

When taking this picture I noticed that it smelled like age and knowledge and bookishness and fall leaves and love. This has made me happier than anything else.

I think it’s the best journal I’ve ever owned. It’s certainly see some of the most difficult  moments in my life.

Other notes about the photo: hooray for library and big headphones.



Uncanny Recount (?!)

Oh man. I really gotta try to keep up dudes…

So, school year’s runnin’ down and I’m BUSY BUSY BUSY. But with good things! Promise!

I’m currently flirting with a particular college here in Georgia. It likes me, I like it and hey, I know this particular university lives a little far away but I’m willing to travel if you know what I mean…

And what I mean is that I’m am literally willing to travel. To this college.

It’s hard really. To keep a blog and a journal. Because I have a journal. A real journal, with paper and ink and a book mark built into it.

Good advice I think... on the cover there.

Good advice I think... on the cover there.

Built in bookmark FTW

Built in bookmark FTW

Sometimes blogging feel so ephemeral. Like, by writing something down in a book it really is saved forever. A real autobiography. I mean, over the course of my years I’ve filled up a good many journals.

from December 25, 2002 to April 23, 2009

from December 25, 2002 to April 23, 2009

My first journal entry ever was written in what I considered very fancy Middle Earth talk (which in my twelve year old mind meant using the words “recount” and “uncanny” a lot) about how awesome Metroid Fusion is.

My recent one was a very vague mentioning about my car wreck and my desire to do a triptych featuring kissing and lines from Romeo & Juliet. How not as exciting.

But, reading through my old journals from sixteen to seventeen to eighteen I realizee I was a very romantic boy, very disinterested in sex and very lonely. I saw the whole of gay society as being dominated by meaningless sex and superficial materialistic values. Which, it pretty much is, but now I know that there are a few others out there like me. Men who want what throbs in the ribs rather than what throbs in the pants, who want forehead kisses more than blow jobs. Men who don’t see the world and as a giant bus station who’s job  it is to transport pleasure to them.

Still, there are few.  But I’m proud to have self control and mastery over my desires. I value serenity and hard work over immediate, flimsy pleasure and empty materialism.  I think I’m far more Buddist than I’ll ever be willing to admit.

That’s probably something that needs to get recorded into my real journal.

It’s funny. I sort of have this idea that in the future people will find my journals and try to put together who I was. Or maybe I’ll go through them and use them to write a memoir. Augustan Burroughs style.

Oh well, in Art News (which I know is pretty much all you people actually care about reading about) I’m working on a series of paintings/mixed media projects interpreting Leaves of Grass through mythical symbols or something like that. You’ve already seen one of these paintings. However not in its completed state.

More to come.

-Joshua

P.S. Hi everyone who’s come over from Letnaturebe! Rather surprised you’ve migrated (of course not really migrated, I couldn’t stop reading LNB if I wanted to!) but I’m glad you’re here! 🙂



Dirt.
April 10, 2009, 1:41 am
Filed under: Blogging | Tags: , , , ,

I need dirt. Just some dirt you know? So that it’s real.

Some good heavy stuff, to get underneath my fingernails.

Relationships that end mutually between two people who are pretty much absolutely perfect for each other but can’t be together due to outside influences hurt in a new way.

They hurt more because you both love each other and  not one of you “deserves” to be broken up with.

They hurt less because you both love each other and not one of you “deserves” to be broken up with.

I’m foregoing virtual connections with people. I need real things. I need to grow my  tomatoes on the back porch. And to paint messy paintings. And to apply for Columbus State University.

I need to journal. I’ve been pretty good about it actually. Tonight I wrote enough to rival even the most distraught of jilted 12 year old girls. Seriously, as far as sheer length, gay men probably have the most journaling potential of any demographic.

My doggy is hurt. She favors and is tender with her front right paw. There are no visible signs of injury nor are there any bones broke. So, vet tomorrow.

This summer is important. It’s going to be wonder. More legendary even than Summer ’07. I freakin’ mean it too.

I’m going to paint and draw and garden and hang out and drink (a little) and camp and generally be awesome.

And let my heart rest.

It’s been about a year since I came out (I told my mom on April Fool’s Day… honestly I didn’t even think about it at the time.)

I need a solid six monthes to work on myself before I go tryin’ to start some relationshit.

Wow. Firefox’s built in spell checker did not count “relationshit” as a misspelling. I guess you learn something new everyday.

Whatever.

Here, have some kittens: