ATTERCOP


In Bloom
April 11, 2010, 12:55 pm
Filed under: Blogging, Mysteries

Does how I view health and legal issues effect my ability to create successful, beautiful and meaningful pieces of artwork?

No, this post is not about graffiti. i wish it was, i like that stuff.

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Information:::: the Man lives far away from me. the Man’s daily habits are mysterious to me as mine are to his. we are friends but only through technology, we have been friends for a year and many months. i have chided him on issues i disagree with, usually in fear that these things will lead him to where i see so, so often others go. we care about each other. he approaches this care and friendship carrying the adverbs ‘logically’, ‘defensively’ and ‘patiently’; i approach with the adverbs ‘dramatically’, defensively’ and ‘hastily’. i usually feel that any problems we have are worth it though, ours is not a friendship that exists merely on the habit of two people knowing each others and being around. Rhode Island is not around Georgia. ::::uoıʇɐɯɹoɟuı

The Man says to me:

I do not judge you for your actions, so please do no get defensive when I try to talk to you about cigarettes. Some day you will fully understand my actions and choices, and vice-versa. And someday you will stop seeing things as either black or white. (Though probably not on the same day obviously.) But when the latter occurs, that is when you will truly bloom as an artist.

Because he has never really heard my voice or looked into my eyes (nor vice verse) i get defensive about such statements on what I see as artistic identity.

i see them gray areas i believe. stealing is one, i believe it is boundlessly more reprehensible to steal from an independent shop than from a super wal-mart. i’m kind of black and white about murder. i don’t think a human life should ever be removed from them, i’m against all forms of war. but, at the same time, if a person comes and breaks into your house in the night and attacks and you kill them in the fight i don’t believe you should be punished.

i want to know where this affects my image making.

it could be argued that “you will truly bloom as an artist” is a ploy to make me stop saying things. ‘i desire this person to stop doing X. i’ll tell them if they stop X then they will receive Y’

i am pretty hard on him a lot.

this whole idea makes me want to explore the idea of moral gray areas. but it’s a tricky thing to explore. i mean, i have only a few major Morals that i keep beyond the Standard Decencies i was raised to have. they are: no physical violence. no theft of personal property. no sexual promiscuity. no drugs.

these are not rules i force on myself but rather ideas i adhere to naturally. these things just make sense.

 

maybe it’s that i get defensive. i do. i was raised to be. not intentionally, but through her attitudes and actions my mothers taught me to be ONE very critical TWO very defensive. these paradigms of personality do not well compliment each others and are not builders of strong friendships.

another bad thing is blaming your mother for your problems.

the Man says someday twice. i imagined, when he said it and now, that it’s the almost dreamlike, illusionary Someday when our corporal paths cross. and if so then he’s right. so many things about ourselves and our relationship will either be solidified or the paradigms will shift. i’m thinking a little of both.

i’m bothered by the assumption about how i see things. but me being bothered by things has already been covered. whether or not i actually do isn’t the point, the fact is i have made myself seem like i do to someone, and that’s something worth addressing. (this point is something my mother would never understand)

when i talk to the Man i see myself being this person who’s so angry and jealous and judgmental. which i’m not, really, i’m cool as a cucumber here in reality. on the streets of columbus; on the bus; in class; eating a meal.

i see people slip and fall into things and my railling comes, i see, from a lack of trust. i don’t trust the Man to take care of himself. so i react without reason to things i see as destructive. and while i know i’m correct in my seeing these things as destructive, i don’t do him any good.

truth is i get pretty jealous of the Man’s attention.

 

My mood is so influential in these things.

 

but what about all this business about blooming? do i have to let go of Gray Area Matters to become the next step in my artistic maturation? i could see that.

I don’t know right now, but, all these things will, i desire, lead me to knowing the Man better and knowing myself better. things things come with time.

 

so, i guess that just leaves me with figuring out what I’m supposed to do now; right this second. i’ll funnel all these things into my sketchbook, that’s the standard repository for visual complexities in my life. we’ll see where that takes us.

 

 

-Joshua.

 

ps. the words of this song help here.

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