Will soft look upon a glowing square.
My face.
I do similar, an electric mist passes and glows.
I alone perceive radiance.
The boy is in the syrupy dark.
A flower growing midway through the sidewalk.
Green tipped with yellow.
Made of stronger stuff than stars.
His Hands were My Hands (in the glowing square.)
But My designs are not His desighns.
Fall into me! My soul is vast.
And I am still an ocean of contradictions.
My life, My stability,
Surf high on waves of contradiction.
I’m tired of metaphor.
I think I’ll just lay down.
and Will myself to dream the same dream again.
–
(written by me. April 29th, 2008)
Filed under: Blogging | Tags: art, Blogging, diaries, diary, homosexuality, journaling, Leaves of Grass, love, painting, photos, romance, symbolism, triptych
Oh man. I really gotta try to keep up dudes…
So, school year’s runnin’ down and I’m BUSY BUSY BUSY. But with good things! Promise!
I’m currently flirting with a particular college here in Georgia. It likes me, I like it and hey, I know this particular university lives a little far away but I’m willing to travel if you know what I mean…
And what I mean is that I’m am literally willing to travel. To this college.
It’s hard really. To keep a blog and a journal. Because I have a journal. A real journal, with paper and ink and a book mark built into it.
Good advice I think... on the cover there.
Built in bookmark FTW
Sometimes blogging feel so ephemeral. Like, by writing something down in a book it really is saved forever. A real autobiography. I mean, over the course of my years I’ve filled up a good many journals.
from December 25, 2002 to April 23, 2009
My first journal entry ever was written in what I considered very fancy Middle Earth talk (which in my twelve year old mind meant using the words “recount” and “uncanny” a lot) about how awesome Metroid Fusion is.
My recent one was a very vague mentioning about my car wreck and my desire to do a triptych featuring kissing and lines from Romeo & Juliet. How not as exciting.
But, reading through my old journals from sixteen to seventeen to eighteen I realizee I was a very romantic boy, very disinterested in sex and very lonely. I saw the whole of gay society as being dominated by meaningless sex and superficial materialistic values. Which, it pretty much is, but now I know that there are a few others out there like me. Men who want what throbs in the ribs rather than what throbs in the pants, who want forehead kisses more than blow jobs. Men who don’t see the world and as a giant bus station who’s job it is to transport pleasure to them.
Still, there are few. But I’m proud to have self control and mastery over my desires. I value serenity and hard work over immediate, flimsy pleasure and empty materialism. I think I’m far more Buddist than I’ll ever be willing to admit.
That’s probably something that needs to get recorded into my real journal.
It’s funny. I sort of have this idea that in the future people will find my journals and try to put together who I was. Or maybe I’ll go through them and use them to write a memoir. Augustan Burroughs style.
Oh well, in Art News (which I know is pretty much all you people actually care about reading about) I’m working on a series of paintings/mixed media projects interpreting Leaves of Grass through mythical symbols or something like that. You’ve already seen one of these paintings. However not in its completed state.
More to come.
-Joshua
P.S. Hi everyone who’s come over from Letnaturebe! Rather surprised you’ve migrated (of course not really migrated, I couldn’t stop reading LNB if I wanted to!) but I’m glad you’re here! 🙂
Filed under: Blogging, Mysteries | Tags: art, car, catastrophe, crash, marker, wreck
i crashed my car.
i saw the words in my head (backwards) very clearly right before impact.
i am ok.
i am bothered and my mind is very very busy.
one thing i do not feel is fear.
i am still a confident driver.
i just want to be held a little.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Webcomicstravaganza.
I really enjoy xkcd. The diversity of the humor and the charm of the style just blow me away.
They always make me smile and inspire me to be more awesome.
I ❤ science.
he he
Anyway. This post was for Kinzee. Who writes and takes delightful pictures on http://www.letnaturebe.blogspot.com
the url is http://www.xkcd.com
enjizzle.
Filed under: Mysteries
our never again
was so long ago
when dreamtime’s children watched flowers grow
we walked in the sea
we bathed in the sun
the dogs licked the salt from everyone
we kissed every when
we danced any where
the spirits sang and braided our hair
i smelled your soft skin
i stared at the skies
a million mandalas in my eyes
i knelt on the grass
you fell to the ground
the warm breezes made a breathing sound
and naked we slept
by rivers and stones
now scattered among them lie our bones
J W Cooper
I need dirt. Just some dirt you know? So that it’s real.
Some good heavy stuff, to get underneath my fingernails.
Relationships that end mutually between two people who are pretty much absolutely perfect for each other but can’t be together due to outside influences hurt in a new way.
They hurt more because you both love each other and not one of you “deserves” to be broken up with.
They hurt less because you both love each other and not one of you “deserves” to be broken up with.
I’m foregoing virtual connections with people. I need real things. I need to grow my tomatoes on the back porch. And to paint messy paintings. And to apply for Columbus State University.
I need to journal. I’ve been pretty good about it actually. Tonight I wrote enough to rival even the most distraught of jilted 12 year old girls. Seriously, as far as sheer length, gay men probably have the most journaling potential of any demographic.
My doggy is hurt. She favors and is tender with her front right paw. There are no visible signs of injury nor are there any bones broke. So, vet tomorrow.
This summer is important. It’s going to be wonder. More legendary even than Summer ’07. I freakin’ mean it too.
I’m going to paint and draw and garden and hang out and drink (a little) and camp and generally be awesome.
And let my heart rest.
It’s been about a year since I came out (I told my mom on April Fool’s Day… honestly I didn’t even think about it at the time.)
I need a solid six monthes to work on myself before I go tryin’ to start some relationshit.
Wow. Firefox’s built in spell checker did not count “relationshit” as a misspelling. I guess you learn something new everyday.
Whatever.
Here, have some kittens:
ATTERCOP 